En Whatever

11 Tips to Painlessly Assemble the Computer Desk

Some insight from a recent experience:

1. If at all possible, talk the person insisting on buying the desk out of it. If the person buys it without asking in advance, assuming that you will perform said assembly, consider cutting your losses, burning down the house with the kit, and starting over.
2. Assuming you are unsuccessful at step one, the proceed. Examine the room in which the desk is to go. It will inevitably require 2 7/8-inches more in length than is available. Resign yourself to rearranging the furniture.
3. During step 2, when you wonder why the bookshelf won't move, before you disassemble it into its constituent parts, check the top, just beyond where you can see, in case you had cautiously used a bracket to screw it into place. You screwed it so it's screwing you, which means you are the shelf. It's a zen thing.
4. Examine the room again. You will have to put semi-assembled parts everywhere and you don't have enough floor space. Build an extension before unboxing the kit. Once you're committed to the process, it will be too late. This will also help you put off the assembly project for another few months.
5. Open the box and read the directions. You will need to write the company for the original in whatever language it was penned because success will require a new translation. Hope for good pictures. Even if they don't help you to build the desk, they might be pretty.
6. Look at the list of required tools. It is a lie. You will need more than what the instructions suggest, including the following:
   • electric drill
   • flathead screwdriver
   • Phillips screwdriver
   • several types of drivers you've never heard of before and that are unavailable at the local hardware, lumber, and auto parts stores
   • a winch
   • three critical screws you were shorted in the package plus an additional 3 that rolled under the couch only to fall into your little part of the Bermuda Triangle
   • a machine shop
   • a distillery
   • a chapel
7. The instructions may say that you can build this by yourself although a few steps might benefit from the assistance of another person or two. Actually, only step 13 can be done by yourself. The others require three additional people, including one named Eddie who sports several prison tattoos. Don't make any sudden movements, as you may startle him and that is something you do not wish to do.
8. You will need to set aside some time. Actually, a fair amount of time. Actually, how many weeks of vacation do you have left? That's all? Hmm. Well, give it a try anyway. If you work on this part-time, you may be done by spring or before your significant other is ready to shoot you, whichever comes later.
9. Page six of the instructions is a misprint and is intended for a different piece of furniture. Ignore it. Try praying for insight. (See step 6 for what you will need.)
10. At one point you will try to put the sheet metal screw into the metal tube and find that no matter how hard you push and turn, it won't go in. The trick is to find your electric drill to finish the pilot hole. Unfortunately, you won't be able to find your drill bits, so you'll have to head to the nearest hardware store. When you return, it will become apparent that the pilot hole actually was drilled through. You just need to push harder. Eddie can help, but you probably don't want him standing behind you. Don't judge, as we all have our quirks.
11. Toward the end of the process, you will have to connect three pieces of the desk. They will almost go together. Consider the imperfection endearing unless you want to start over.

Labels: humor

posted by Erik Sherman @ 5:49 AM