Flash in the Pan

In my writing day job, I often cover intellectual property issues, and something funny came up on one of my regular reading lists: a set of patent lawsuits over fish sticks. That's right, those frozen, breaded refugees from a grade school cafeteria. (Oh, am I probably going to get email from some overly earnest junior PR people working on one of the food accounts for that reference.)

Apparently, Alfred and Paul Fraser are co-owners of patent number 4,781,930, called Method of preparing a fish product. Here's what it covers:

A method of preparing a fish product comprising filleting a fish to appropriate thickness, immediately immersing the filleted fish in a vegetable oil for a period of 5 to 10 minutes at room temperature to effect absorption of the oil to a depth such as to inhibit excretion of the natural fluids from the fillet and prevent incursion of air and moisture, draining the excess oil from the surface, covering the surface with crumbs and then freezing the fillet.

The now 21-year-old patent (which means it's expired) was for dunking fish in oil, draining the excess, and then covering it in crumbs and freezing it for later. Back in 2006, the Frazer boys decided to start suing pretty much everyone they could find in the fish stick business, including Gortons and Mrs. Paul's. The defendants ended up winning the fish fillet follies, getting a Massachusetts court to provide a summary judgment:

• Five defendants didn't even start with fresh fish and didn't soak what they had in oil.


• Two of the defendant companies had either filed for bankruptcy or been dissolved.


• The remaining two defendants who might have been sued were not properly served with the suit papers, as a "return of service merely noting delivery to 'girl at front disk'" apparently didn't meet comply with state rules.

Oops. Maybe the Frazers will go off and drown their sorrows -- hopefully not in oil and likely for longer than five to ten minutes.

Labels: humor, law, news, odd, weird

Starbucks has faced increasing competition as it increasingly has turned itself into a giant coffee machine. Where once baristas applied skill to get espresso shots to turn out the right way (or at least as right as you can get when your beans are overly roasted), now it's a push button land. And when coffee is the result of pushing buttons, of course a McDonald's or Dunkin Donuts can enter the market. Hell, it only requires buying the equipment. So CEO Howard Schultz has announced a series of steps to improve "the coffee experience," as reported by the Financial Times:

• Install lower-height automatic espresso machines so you can see the bored look in the barista's eyes.
• Add yet another coffee blend that is different from all the other ones the chain has sold.
• Buy a company that makes single-cup grinding and brewing machines for filter coffee and put them into select stores because, as you know, more things to look at or buy means better coffee.
• Provide extra ingredients and toppings to people who use the Starbucks purchase cards because that way your coffee becomes even more of a commodity.
• Start a social networking site to let people suggest ideas and vote on them, which doesn't sound all that tasty, but what do I know?
• Get into health and wellness food and drink, which probably means cutting the caffeine and, therefore, the coffee that they want to promote.

I wasn't impressed with the "training session" they did last month, bringing all their employees in on a night for three hours of training. (Wonder how you train people to push buttons better.) Maybe Starbucks hasn't jumped the shark, but it sure sounds like there may be a fin circling at the top of you next cup of java - extra shot, soy milk, extra hot, hold the foam.

Labels: business, coffee, humor